i have started this blog about a million times, but i just can't seem to find the right words. i'm not going to try to write eloquently, i just want to write honestly. so here goes. i never thought i would be writing these words, but my trip to Kenya has been cancelled. just writing those words is still so foreign to me, and sometimes i wish this was all a bad dream. but unfortunately, that is not the case. long story short, our team leaders have to comply with certain travel bans, and in the last week, Kenya's travel ban has been extended until next year. we knew signing up for the trip that there was a chance the ban could be extended since it was supposed to expire at the end of May, but my team members and i continued to fundraise and plan hoping and praying for one more chance to love on our sweet kiddos in Africa. Regardless, this was going to be my last summer going to Kenya. next summer, I will be in summer school, so I wouldn't have been able to go. but, having my trip end like this was never on my radar.
there are so many emotions that wash over me during this time, but i know that i have to choose joy and thankfulness instead of bitterness and sorrow. on a team call, we talked about how the Lord allowed us to be a part of those kids' lives and how He didn't need us to fulfill His plans He has for those kids. so, i am choosing to be thankful for the four summers i got to spend in kenya with 232 kids that have had my heart since 2012. it would be so easy for me to be bitter that the plans aren't working out the way i want them to, but honestly, if i was in charge of deciding the plans for my life, let's just say my life would be in a totally different place than it is now. but, thankfully, the Lord has a plan that is perfect and is for my good and for His glory.
but, the sorrow that comes with this trip's cancellation is not only because i wont be able to hug and love on the kids at fiwagoh. yes, not getting to hug my sweet Dennis or hold the hand of my little Sarah is still so hard to fathom, but it's not just that. i am saddened because i wont be able to serve alongside some of the greatest people this world has to offer. i have met some of the most amazing people that would be total strangers to me if i hadn't gone to kenya for the first time in 2012. so again, i am lead to choose thankfulness because of these lifelong friendships i have made.
i cannot put into words how special each second of being on the ground in Kenya is. each moment is filled with a memory and each hand is held by a child with chocolate brown eyes. and i am so thankful for each minute that i had at fiwagoh. each trip i went on was filled with such a precious time of investing and learning and loving, but there were some of the most difficult times being there as well. realizing that each child's story came from a background of pain was a hard pill to swallow. hugging every single child seconds before we left only got more difficult the more i did it. but, i would do everything a million times over to have just a few more minutes with those kids.
to say that these kiddos have left an imprint on my life would be an understatement. they have such a large chunk of my heart and it's something i don't think i'll ever fully get back and i'm okay with that. these past four summers have surpassed my wildest dreams and i long for the day that i get to see the kids that have changed my life for the better again. but for now, i have to rest in the fact that the Lord's plans are far greater than i could ever imagine and for this summer, going to Kenya is not in His plans for me.
to everyone who has kept up with my trips and prayed and supported me, i want to say thank you. your support means more to me than words can describe and i can only hope that the Lord blesses you as much as He has blessed me these past four summers. as this chapter of my life comes to a close, i want to stress how thankful i am for every single second and every single memory. i know this is not the end, but it's just the beginning a new chapter of this crazy life of mine.
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