when I asked God to break my heart for the kids at fiwagoh, I don't think I
realized what I was asking for. on June 30th, I got what I had been praying for
and it was definitely harder than I ever could have imagined.
our team really focused this year on being very relational with the kids and
investing in them. a big thing we did this year was tucking the little kiddos
into bed. we were able to go into the dorms and literally tuck them in like
burritos and say goodnight. by doing this, we gave the kids a little more love.
to americans, this may not seem like much because our parents tucked us in
every night, but to these kids, it means so much more. they don't have parents
to kiss them goodnight and tell them "I love you to the moon and
back." I think that's what makes it so much more special.
so, now it's time to get to the main part of this whole story. on June 30th,
we decided to tuck in the kids. this was the third time we had done this, so we
all knew the drill. what I normally did was I went to the boys dorm first and
hugged all of them, and then went to the girls dorm next. as I was walking
through the boys dorm, I saw one of my teammates tear up while tucking in one
of the kids. that was the next bunk bed I was going to, so I walked over there
as my teammate left. I saw that the little boy was covering his face with his
blanket. I could tell something was up so I asked him what was wrong. that's
when this 11 year old boy pulled back the covers from his face and I saw tears
streaming down his cheeks. I asked him what was wrong and he didn't answer. so,
I asked him again and he said through sobs, "my parents...they died."
and that's when I felt like I was hit by a ton of bricks. I didn't know what to
say, so I just stood there catching his tears and wiping his face. I knew I
couldn't say "it's ok" because it's not. it's not ok to me that an 11
year old boy has no parents and it's not ok to me that this sweet boy has so
much pain in his heart. so, I just stood there for a little bit and when I
couldn't hold in my tears any longer, I quickly said goodnight to all the other
boys and then headed to the girls dorm. I tried to hold myself together while
saying goodnight to all the girls, but I knew I was losing it so I sped through
the girls' bunk beds. after I finished with all the tucking in and
"goodnights" and "nakupendas," I sat on the roof of the new
building and sobbed. my heart hurt for that little boy. I knew that was not the
first time he has cried himself to sleep. I knew that he has a lot of pain and
emotional scars. and then I realized that all 232 kids there have the same type
of story of hurt, pain, and loss. the tears flowed and I couldn't stop them. my
heart ached for every single child. I never really think about the pasts of
these kids because they're always so joyful and happy. it's easier to just see
them as they are now and not think about the reason why they're at this
orphanage in the first place. I felt like my heart was literally breaking
because I don't want people I love to feel that kind of pain. and the thing is,
they aren't just people I love, they are little kids. they are kids who have
watched their parents die. they are kids who have been abandoned by their
family. they are kids who know what it's like to live on the street and trust
in God to supply some kind of food for the day. while I was thinking about all
these things, my heart just got heavier and heavier. I wanted to stop thinking
about the pasts of all the kids and focus on the joy they all have now. but,
their past in a part of them and I knew that it was important that I
acknowledged the fact that these kids are broken. and since I asked the Lord to
break my heart for these kids, and I could literally feel exactly what I asked
for.
after 30 minutes of thinking and honestly feeling my heart break piece by
piece, I started to hear footsteps behind me. I wiped off the last of my tears
and then six little chocolate faces appeared in front of me. I asked them what
they were doing out of bed because I had just tucked them in and they said,
"we saw you were crying, so we came out here comfort you." when they
said that, a new wave of tears hit me. I was completely humbled by the act of
these boys. I thought I was at the orphanage to love on them and to comfort
them, but really God was showing me that the relationships I've built there are
two-sided. they need me, but I need them, too. so many times people go on
mission trips and think that these orphans have nothing to give and all they
need to do is receive. but, that's not the case at all. by allowing them to
comfort me, I was able to show them that they have value in our friendship.
also, they were shown that the friendships I have with each of them is more
than an american girl and a kenyan orphan; we are two friends from different
parts of the world.
although it was very difficult to allow those boys to comfort me, I knew
that was the right thing to do. at first, it just felt so weird. I went to
fiwagoh to love on the kids there and invest in their lives. they have been
through so much and I have been through so little. so, why were they the ones
comforting me? it was such a humbling experience to see those sweet boys come
out to the roof and sit with me. there weren't many words spoken, but there didn't
need to be. they were just there and that was all they needed to do. here I was
thinking that I should be comforting them, but really God showed me that I
needed them. He also was able to show them their value in the relationship. the
cool thing is that our team a few days before had just talked about not only
giving but also receiving and making the relationships with every child a
two-way street. we talked about how we have to allow these kids to give to us
so that they see that we are equal. in these friendships, it's so easy to think
that it's one-sided. we tend to think that these orphans have nothing, so we
have to give them everything. but really, by allowing them to give to us, they
are able to see the worth they hold. giving each child value is vital and
through this situation, they were able to see what true friendship is. true
friendship is when each person gives and receives willingly and the other
person allows that to happen.
after a while, I made them go back to bed because it was getting late. my
heart still hurt for every child, but I felt the Lord mending my heart. their
act of genuine love helped me see the love they are still able to give even
though they've been through the worst of the worst. I don't think I'll ever
forget that night until the day I die. it was the night that my heart truly
broke for these kids, but also it was the night that the kids showed me true
friendship. it was the hardest night I've ever experienced, but it was the best
night, too. God gave me what I asked for and then a little bonus. I don't know
why I was surprised by this because after all, isn't that what He always does?
