break my heart for what breaks Yours

when I asked God to break my heart for the kids at fiwagoh, I don't think I realized what I was asking for. on June 30th, I got what I had been praying for and it was definitely harder than I ever could have imagined.
our team really focused this year on being very relational with the kids and investing in them. a big thing we did this year was tucking the little kiddos into bed. we were able to go into the dorms and literally tuck them in like burritos and say goodnight. by doing this, we gave the kids a little more love. to americans, this may not seem like much because our parents tucked us in every night, but to these kids, it means so much more. they don't have parents to kiss them goodnight and tell them "I love you to the moon and back." I think that's what makes it so much more special.
so, now it's time to get to the main part of this whole story. on June 30th, we decided to tuck in the kids. this was the third time we had done this, so we all knew the drill. what I normally did was I went to the boys dorm first and hugged all of them, and then went to the girls dorm next. as I was walking through the boys dorm, I saw one of my teammates tear up while tucking in one of the kids. that was the next bunk bed I was going to, so I walked over there as my teammate left. I saw that the little boy was covering his face with his blanket. I could tell something was up so I asked him what was wrong. that's when this 11 year old boy pulled back the covers from his face and I saw tears streaming down his cheeks. I asked him what was wrong and he didn't answer. so, I asked him again and he said through sobs, "my parents...they died." and that's when I felt like I was hit by a ton of bricks. I didn't know what to say, so I just stood there catching his tears and wiping his face. I knew I couldn't say "it's ok" because it's not. it's not ok to me that an 11 year old boy has no parents and it's not ok to me that this sweet boy has so much pain in his heart. so, I just stood there for a little bit and when I couldn't hold in my tears any longer, I quickly said goodnight to all the other boys and then headed to the girls dorm. I tried to hold myself together while saying goodnight to all the girls, but I knew I was losing it so I sped through the girls' bunk beds. after I finished with all the tucking in and "goodnights" and "nakupendas," I sat on the roof of the new building and sobbed. my heart hurt for that little boy. I knew that was not the first time he has cried himself to sleep. I knew that he has a lot of pain and emotional scars. and then I realized that all 232 kids there have the same type of story of hurt, pain, and loss. the tears flowed and I couldn't stop them. my heart ached for every single child. I never really think about the pasts of these kids because they're always so joyful and happy. it's easier to just see them as they are now and not think about the reason why they're at this orphanage in the first place. I felt like my heart was literally breaking because I don't want people I love to feel that kind of pain. and the thing is, they aren't just people I love, they are little kids. they are kids who have watched their parents die. they are kids who have been abandoned by their family. they are kids who know what it's like to live on the street and trust in God to supply some kind of food for the day. while I was thinking about all these things, my heart just got heavier and heavier. I wanted to stop thinking about the pasts of all the kids and focus on the joy they all have now. but, their past in a part of them and I knew that it was important that I acknowledged the fact that these kids are broken. and since I asked the Lord to break my heart for these kids, and I could literally feel exactly what I asked for.
after 30 minutes of thinking and honestly feeling my heart break piece by piece, I started to hear footsteps behind me. I wiped off the last of my tears and then six little chocolate faces appeared in front of me. I asked them what they were doing out of bed because I had just tucked them in and they said, "we saw you were crying, so we came out here comfort you." when they said that, a new wave of tears hit me. I was completely humbled by the act of these boys. I thought I was at the orphanage to love on them and to comfort them, but really God was showing me that the relationships I've built there are two-sided. they need me, but I need them, too. so many times people go on mission trips and think that these orphans have nothing to give and all they need to do is receive. but, that's not the case at all. by allowing them to comfort me, I was able to show them that they have value in our friendship. also, they were shown that the friendships I have with each of them is more than an american girl and a kenyan orphan; we are two friends from different parts of the world.
although it was very difficult to allow those boys to comfort me, I knew that was the right thing to do. at first, it just felt so weird. I went to fiwagoh to love on the kids there and invest in their lives. they have been through so much and I have been through so little. so, why were they the ones comforting me? it was such a humbling experience to see those sweet boys come out to the roof and sit with me. there weren't many words spoken, but there didn't need to be. they were just there and that was all they needed to do. here I was thinking that I should be comforting them, but really God showed me that I needed them. He also was able to show them their value in the relationship. the cool thing is that our team a few days before had just talked about not only giving but also receiving and making the relationships with every child a two-way street. we talked about how we have to allow these kids to give to us so that they see that we are equal. in these friendships, it's so easy to think that it's one-sided. we tend to think that these orphans have nothing, so we have to give them everything. but really, by allowing them to give to us, they are able to see the worth they hold. giving each child value is vital and through this situation, they were able to see what true friendship is. true friendship is when each person gives and receives willingly and the other person allows that to happen.
after a while, I made them go back to bed because it was getting late. my heart still hurt for every child, but I felt the Lord mending my heart. their act of genuine love helped me see the love they are still able to give even though they've been through the worst of the worst. I don't think I'll ever forget that night until the day I die. it was the night that my heart truly broke for these kids, but also it was the night that the kids showed me true friendship. it was the hardest night I've ever experienced, but it was the best night, too. God gave me what I asked for and then a little bonus. I don't know why I was surprised by this because after all, isn't that what He always does?

the sweetest reunion

last sunday, I finally returned to fiwagoh after 12 long months. every time I return, it gets sweeter and sweeter. I'm going to try to explain what makes this return so good, but honestly I don't think anyone's words could do it justice. but here goes: the kids sang their welcome song and as we were driving down the hill, I could see the faces that I had missed so much. Daniel, our driver, was driving us down the hill and the only thing I could think of was jumping off the bus and into the kids' arms, but I had to be patient. I was the first one off the bus, and right when I stepped onto the ground, I heard the kids yelling my name. everyone inside of the bus had tears of joy in their eyes because seeing the kids so excited to see us and getting to reconnect with them made us so happy. if you know me, you know that I have a little man named Dennis that is my shadow. he didn't know that I was coming back to fiwagoh this year. so, when he turned the corner of the bus and saw me, his face lit up. he started running towards me and I just opened my arms and that had to be one of the sweetest and best hugs I've ever gotten in my life. and he hasn't left my side since that moment. all the hugs and smiles shared that day are special memories that I will never forget. when my sweet little Sarah saw me, her face lit up with that smile that gets me every time. she gave me the biggest hug she's ever given me and it was just really great. getting to reconnect with each child has definitely been a favorite part of mine so far. with each year that I return, the trust in each relationship gets stronger and I am able to get to know each child so much more. this year, there are 20 new little kiddos. I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to build new and old relationships and I know that these kids once again have made an imprint on my heart.

a reflection of the past three weeks

wow. wow. wow. I can't believe that the love africa portion of my trip is over. looking back on the past three weeks, i have realized that this trip was not easy. we saw so much brokenness and hard situations, yet through that, we were also able to see so much joy. we saw people who live day to day who wonder where their next meal is going to come from, but they always trust that the Lord will provide. there is so much that we have experienced, and I am so thankful I had the opportunity to come to Kenya with love africa.
as a love africa team, we survived the long matatu rides that were very bumpy, hiking an inactive volcano for 6 hours, and two floods. we went through a lot as a team and I was able to meet so many people I would never have the opportunity to meet otherwise. not only did we serve the people of kijabe and the surrounding areas, but we were also able to serve each other. team unity is something that is so very important especially when you're on the mission field. at the beginning of our trip, the core team told us that by the end, we would become a family and we did. we laughed, cried, prayed, and lived as a family.
at our last big group meeting, someone asked this question: "although you have seen all this joy and have gotten to love on some kids, what are you going to do about all the brokenness and pain that is so evident as well?" this question really made me think and someone answered it very well. we are like clay pots. after going on this mission trip, we have been smashed on the ground, and we are shattered into a million pieces. we can put ourselves together with glue, but we will never quite be the exact same as before we were broken. I thought that this was a perfect metaphor for any mission trip. I am always changed after coming back and as I see my clay pot looking a little different, I am reminded of what I have seen, heard, and felt.
overall, love africa was able to open my eyes to so many different ministries, and I was also able to see the hand of God work so clearly. He is Jehovah Jireh, the King of all, and the Creator of everything. He provides for the family that needs dinner, the widow that needs loving on, and the child that needs someone to lean on. He also orchestrates everything perfectly and He has showed me that His plans are way better than my plans. He brought together 22 college-aged kids from all over the country to love on and to serve His people is many different ways. He has a sense of humor, too. He thought the best way to make our team even closer was to live through two floods together. (if you want to hear those stories, come talk to me). but, all in all, this trip was one that I will never forget. the people, the views, and the experiences have left an imprint on my heart and for that I can only be thankful.

little blue shirt boy

on Sunday, I got to experience a real Maasai church service. beads, dancing, praising and everything in between. it was such a great day and probably one of my favorites so far. we left our guest house at 9 am Sunday morning and didn't arrive at the Maasai church until 11 am because it was way out in the bush and we got lost three times. once we made it, we sat down and the worshipping began. some ladies did their song and dance and then the kids did a little program. while I was sitting, a little boy in a blue shirt came up and stood right next to my chair. he started looking at my watch and playing with my arm hair (because Kenyans don't have arm hair so they find it fascinating). he was intrigued for quite a bit and then eventually sat in my lap. but, then we were called up to the front to introduce ourselves. when I got back to my chair, little blue shirt boy wasn't there anymore. I was a little bummed because he was the first child I got to spend substantial time with and I thought we would be the best of pals. but instead, he had found a new seat. by then, the service was getting to the group worship part. this is the part of the service where Swahili music is bumpin and you can get up and dance whenever you want. in the front of the church was a little mosh pit and so me and my team mates decided to join in on the action. when we got up to the front, the kids were showing us how to dance because us mzungus (white people) were not very skilled at that. that's when little blue shirt boy popped up out of nowhere. we started to dance by holding hands and he didn't let go for the rest of the dancing worship part. when we sat back down, he came with me and continued to be intrigued by my arms and watch. he called his friend over and during the entire service they were either pointing out my freckles or changing my watch settings. right in the middle of the service, he said in very broken English, "your name is?" and I told him my name and asked him and his friend's names and they said "Simon and Moses." after the service ended, we were able to walk the grounds of these Maasai people and Simon and Moses held my hands the entire way. wherever I went, they were attached to me and I loved every second of that. even when Moses had to go, Simon (little blue shirt boy) stayed with me. we ate at the pastor's house and while we were eating under the acacia tree, Simon was just watching me and waiting for me to come back and hold his hand. after lunch, I was able to spend a little more time with him. holding his hand made me feel like I had a purpose. I don't know how often he is showed love in that way and I don't know what his home situation is like. but what I do know is that by holding his hand, I was able to show him the love and Jesus and that is something that is priceless. on this portion of my trip especially, I have been constantly reminded that the only universal language is love. you don't have to even say a word to show it because love speaks for itself. when it came time to say goodbye, it was a little difficult. I don't know if he understood that I was leaving and probably not coming back, but little blue shirt boy made an imprint on my heart that will last forever.

what a week

what. a. week. it. has. been. this week, we have been able to experience so much with so many different ministries. coming into this trip, I had no idea what exactly I would be doing and we still joke that we don't ever know what we're doing until the night before or until we actually get to the ministry's facility. in the past week, we have gone on hospital visits and prayed for the patients, listened to many different people share their dreams for Kenya's future, and seen what having hope and joy in unwanted circumstances looks like. I can't go into detail about every ministry, but I will just tell you about the first ministry we worked with, the Kijabe Hospital visits. we did this on the second day after getting some much needed rest. I didn't exactly know what to expect when I headed to the hospital, but I went in with an open mind. at the hospital, we were supposed to walk around and talk and pray with the patients. me and a few other girls went to the women's ward. my hope was that I would meet a super awesome woman and immediately connect and we would be best friends (clearly I was being so realistic, right?). but, that's not what God had in store for me. the first three women Sara and I walked up to spoke no English. we barely know Swahili, so our conversations consisted of "how are you? what is your name? and where are you hurt?" after asking those three questions we would ask to pray for them and then we would move on. when we finally met a woman that spoke English, I thought "finally! she's gonna be my new best friend!" and God said "nope." this pattern continued for about 7 people and then we decided to go to the pediatric ward. I was feeling a bit dejected because it hadn't been going the way I had hoped but I knew that in ministry, some day's a diamond, some day's a stone. when we walked into the peds ward, I spotted a young girl and her very little baby in the back corner. we made eye contact right when I walked in so I made a beeline toward them. we started talking and she spoke English (hallelujah!). her name was Jacqueline and her baby's name was Elvis. he was a teeny tiny baby with spinal issues, but he was by far the cutest little Kenyan baby I've ever seen. anyway, Jacqueline and I got to talk about her family, her goals, and everything in between for about 30-45 minutes. we even talked about Elvis Presley for a little while. when it came time for me to leave, I was so glad that I had finally connected with someone and I felt like I made a difference. I also got to pray with her and over her and Elvis. that very first day of ministry was a really hard one because time after time I felt like I was worthless because I couldn't communicate with the women, but then God placed Jacqueline and Elvis in my path. He showed me that His plans are way better than my plans because He knows what He is doing and trusting Him is essential. that is just a little story about how a little baby named Elvis can change your whole outlook on that day's ministry. I'll probably never see Jacqueline or Elvis again, but I will forever be grateful for the imprint they have left on my life.