remembering, missing, trusting

Well, I’ve been back in the States for a week now, but it feels like yesterday when I had to say goodbye to my family halfway around the world.

I still remember holding my precious Dennis for a solid minute with him just crying in my arms because I had to leave again. I still remember sweet Emily and Grace getting hugs in the line then going back again, so they could get just one more hug from us. I still remember saying goodbye to all my older boys with them trying not to cry because they didn’t want to seem weak in front of their friends. I still remember holding little Ian in my arms while he sobbed because we were the first team he had met that had to say goodbye. I still remember holding Eunice’s hand just one last time. And I still remember the car ride headed back to Nairobi looking in the rearview mirror wishing we could go back for just one more minute. All of it is still there, like it happened just yesterday.

All of the older kids kept telling me “you have to leave so that you can come back”, but honestly I didn’t ever want to leave those precious kids. I made friendships with them that will never end and memories that will never be forgotten. All the questions they had about America, all the Swahili they taught me, and all the laughs we shared are still fresh in my mind. I read over my journal and smile when I read about the time we played spoons, laugh when I read about when we sang “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” to Frezier and Emma Jane, and cry when I read the goodbye letters I got.

It is so hard to put into words how I am feeling about being home. I would do anything to be back there. I would suffer the 20 hours of plane rides for just one more day with my family there. I think it is so hard to leave every time because I leave my heart there. The kids there have taken my heart and they hold it in their little hands. So, I keep wondering why I have to be here and not there with them. I wonder why I can’t be working in the clinic or why I can’t be over there loving on my boy Dennis, precious Boniface, sweet little Joseph, or any of them.

But then I remember God has a reason for everything. He knew my heart would be left there last year, and He knew I was going back this year. He also knew I would leave every last part of my heart there this year. Sometimes it’s hard to believe I should be in Alabama feeling as if I am doing nothing instead of loving on orphans in Africa. So, now I am just praying that God will show me why I’m here. Sometimes I may feel like I am a fish out of water here in the States, but He who holds my past, present, and future will reveal to me why one day. It may not be today and it may not be in one month, but I know that His plan for my life has perfect timing and is simply perfect.

So, that’s where I am now. Missing my little and big ones in Kenya and trying to process everything that happened there. I love talking about my time there and the kids that have my heart.

All in all, the one month trip to Kenya can be described in 5 words: tremendous, totally awesome, and too short. The experiences there will never be forgotten and will be in my heart forever. Once again, those kids not only left an imprint on my heart, but they have it in their hands. And I can only hope I left half as much of an imprint on them as they have left on me.